My mother-in-law used to phone me up to tell me stories about her family. I didn't really know them but that was no problem as I didn't have to do any of the talking. 

Hello my dear and how are you?


I know it’s been a week or two,


So just a quick catch up for now,


To let you know about the cow,


It made a full recovery


But not so your poor Aunty Bree,


She still has hoof marks on her cheeks,


The doctor says could last for weeks,


And where it knelt upon her chest,


The doctor says just hope for best,


She’ll get her sight back, muscle torn,


As soon as they remove the horn.


Not sure about her pierced aorta,


It seems to leak when she drinks water,


En – ee – way.



Your cousin took his driving test,


He failed the last and all the rest,


He did all right till he saw Betty,


Turned to wave; drove off the jetty.


They had to get the wincher out,


A submarine and chopper shout.


They stopped the traffic in the street,


Including Albert’s funeral fleet.


A pregnant woman caught in the jam,


Gave birth to twins in your Uncle’s van.


A TV crew came out to see,


And rammed their car into a tree,


The tree cut through an electric wire,


And your Uncle’s van went up in fire.


That spooked the horses on the moor,


Who took off with a mighty roar,


Left and right and down the middle,


The horses rampaged right through Lidl.


En – ee – way.



Mustn’t grumble,


Come on round for apple crumble.


Your cousin can eat his through a straw


Till they take the braces off his jaw.


Your uncle’s burns are not so bare,


He just can’t sit down in a chair.


And as for your poor Aunty Bree,


Just make sure that she drinks no tea.


It literally will go right through her,


Like she’s been punctured with a skewer.


You haven’t seen the new front room,


Since the house got hit by that typhoon.


So let me know when you are free,


Ee- nee-way,


enough from me.